Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
