can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
