she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
