in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
