I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Randomize
