Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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