One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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