Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
