i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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