tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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