I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize