Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
