i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
