someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
