Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
