I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
