I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
3pm strippers are depressing
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
