i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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