I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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