I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
