When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
