Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
