i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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