So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
