I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
