My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Sext me about skeletons
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