he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think i got beer on your cat.
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