we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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