Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
