I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
