You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
