y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
