As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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