Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just googled if crying burns calories
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
