so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
