Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
did i just pee glitter
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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