Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
