Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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