Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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