i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I think my fart just growled at me.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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