i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
