New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
