i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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