Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
