well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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