I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You had me at "let me see your balls"
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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