you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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