im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
