Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
