She said her name was "party"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
