honey bunches of taint.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
