he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
