matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Randomize