i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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