You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize