if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
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