did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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