I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
