I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
