Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
is this the sara with the beer cane?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
