i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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