i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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