Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
