"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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