you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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